The rebuilding of life
Each person must design his/her own individual program for recovery because each person’s life and needs are unique. Use those methods that work for you. No one can tell you what you must or must not do. You decide. Take charge of your life.
1. Keep it simple. Begin in a simple way, and continue to keep things simple and positive. Take one step at a time, one day at a time, one experience at a time. When you make progress, give yourself a pat on the back. Positive reinforcement plays an important role in the process of recovery. Set simple, reasonable, realistic, and attainable goals.
2. Build on your beginning. As you make a simple beginning in your recovery you will slowly and gradually begin to regain confidence, balance, and self-esteem, and, in time, you will once again begin to feel alive. Remember, this process takes place gradually. Take things slowly and in stride. “Easy does it,” is a wise old adage that applies here. Do not be bothered by slight regressions. Progress does not occur in a steady, upward swing, but a gradual up-and-down movement that progresses upward. You will know for certain that healing and recovery are taking place within you
3. Make peace with what has happened. This is an important step toward that deeper healing that is necessary if we are to move beyond our grief and attain peace and wholeness. Letting go does not mean that we forget the person; it means, rather, that we are making peace with our loss and accepting it.
4. Create and build a new life for yourself. Make a list of things you would like to do and projects you would like to undertake. You may want to explore the possibility of getting into a different vocation or beginning a new hobby. Many find volunteer work very fulfilling. This provides one with an opportunity to invest himself/herself in others which is very therapeutic and fulfilling. Once you pass through this gate you will be well on your way toward recovery, and it will be accompanied by a feeling of deep joy. Keep in mind that you are in control of your life and that you have the constant option of reviewing and revising your plans.
5. Establish new rituals. Rituals make up a great part of our lives, and there are many rituals that we shared with the deceased. These include: traditional things we did during the holidays, going to church, family customs, leisure activities, favorite television programs and movies we watched together, celebrating birthdays and anniversaries, places we enjoyed visiting together, etc. Beginning new rituals will not be easy, but it is an important step in the process of rebuilding your life following the loss of a loved one.
6. Change your attitude. As you gain understanding about grief and how grief is affecting you in particular; as you talk out your true feelings with a good listener; and as you find a source of love, security, love, and nurture in a grief support group, you will discover that, gradually, you are growing and moving toward a new and different outlook. You have a new perspective. Never again will your life be the same.One of the key elements in the process of rebuilding your life is an attitude of forgiveness--forgiving those who have wronged you, those toward whom you have held hateful and unforgiving thoughts, those whom you feel are responsible for the death of your loved one (the need for revenge), God, your deceased loved one, and yourself. In short, “making peace.”Medical and psychological literature has recorded a lot of scientific and anecdotal information that illustrates the negative results of repressed and stored anger. Anger can be destructive if it is not resolved. Thus, the importance of a change in attitude.
7. View the death of your loved one from the perspective of faith. In time, and with God’s help, you will be able to view your loss against the backdrop of “the Big Picture.” You treasure the memories and appreciate all those things that your deceased loved one added to your life. Knowing them has enabled you, in part, to be who you are and to move toward your greater destiny. Each experience and relationship in life adds to who and what we are. We are not left alone to face our grief in isolation. Someone has broken through the tears and is with us. From the perspective of faith we are able to grasp a deeper and fuller meaning of the loss of a loved one.
8. Reach out to other bereaved persons. Your experience with loss prepares you to become a caring, understanding, and empathetic person who will be effective in helping bereaved persons. Seize opportunities to help others. Use your experience in creative and helpful ways.
9. Attend grief workshops and seminars. Support groups are not only good for persons who are trying to cope with grief, but now, in this next stage, as we begin the process of rebuilding life, these groups can play an invaluable role in helping us make plans for how we are going to put life back together and move into the future. In these groups you will receive a wealth of information that will enable you to comprehend what has happened to you and how you can become effective in helping others.
10. Acquaint yourself with grief resources. There is a wealth of information about grief that is available in books, magazines, tapes, and the Internet. There are also a number of organizations and support groups whose purpose is to assist bereaved persons in understanding and coping with grief.Getting the right kind of information about grief enables us to understand what grief is, how it affects us, how and why we react to it, and what we can do to cope with it. Gaining this kind of information not only answers questions, but it also helps to alleviate much of the anxiety that accompanies grief. Lack of understanding tends to create fear. When one understands what is happening to him/her it begins to create a sense of security and stability that are essential for recovery.Receiving proper information about grief is also important because there are many myths (misinformation) regarding grief floating around in society. This is one of the reasons that basic grief education has been of the priorities of our SUNRISE Aftercare Program. We provide reading materials and other helpful resources, bereavement workshops and retreats, and grief-education programs in schools, churches, civic organizations, and interested groups for the purpose of enabling persons to understand the basic facts about grief. It is our philosophy that, when we help one person, they help another person who in turn helps another person. Eventually this ripple effect results in positive repercussions throughout society. You might consider donating a helpful book on grief to your local library or to the SUNRISE library in memory of a loved one. This would be a memorial gift that would provide loving help to many persons.
11. Accept your loss. In the words of one mother who had lost her son, “His death will never be OK, but now I can accept it.” Acceptance of the death of a loved one is not easy. It may well be the most difficult thing we ever do in life. But it is a necessary and essential step in the process of rebuilding our life. It is that point where we can acknowledge that the deceased played a significant role in our life, that we love them, and, when we discovered that they were dead, no word in the human language could possibly describe how we felt and what we experienced. We do not like it because they are dead, and we will miss them, but we have now reached a point where we can accept the fact that they are dead and we must get on with our life.
12. Make the necessary adjustments. Wisdom and common sense teach us that life is a process of constantly having to make adjustments. Today is different than yesterday, and tomorrow will be even more different. No two days are the same. Changes are constantly taking place within our lives, and this requires that we make the necessary adjustments to these changes if we are to survive and stay well-balanced and whole. Adjustment is one of the keys to effective living.Making adjustments plays an important role in grief recovery. Death introduces change into our lives, and we choose whether or not we will make adjustments that are necessary to accommodate these changes. This process is never easy. What is required to make the necessary changes is upsetting and traumatic. But if we are to get on with our lives it is necessary that we make these necessary adjustments.

Assisting the terminally ill
There are many positive ways in which we can be effective in assisting someone who has a terminal illness. Here are a few suggestions:
1. Assist with practical everyday needs. Life goes on, and there are some things that must be done right up until the last moment before death occurs. Food must be prepared, beds must be changed, laundry must be done, dishes must be washed, mail must be delivered, and bills must be paid. Lending assistance with the everyday things that form the routine of life and which must be done will be helpful. If a wife has been sitting at her dying husband’s bedside day after day, a friend could simply sit there for a while so that she could take a break or get some exercise. Or she may need someone to run errands. However, one needs to be sensitive and guard against taking away the kinds of things that relieve stress. For example, let the terminal patient do all he/she can as long as he/she can. As illness takes its toll, life continues to simplify, and the patient desires to maintain independence as long as possible.
2. The power of presence. One thing that suffering and dying individuals appreciate is the presence of a loved one. There is great strength and power in the presence of another person. This kind of loving presence is especially appreciated toward the end.The power of presence goes beyond written or spoken words. There is a silent and deep communication that takes place beyond words when persons are simply together in a shared moment. It communicates to the terminally ill individual that this person is present out of love and concern.One of the most loving acts I have ever witnessed took place in a hospital. I was visiting with an elderly gentleman who was dying, and a male nurse who had known this patient across the years put a fresh gown on the patient and said, “Well, I can’t keep him from dying, but I can send him to Heaven in a dry gown.”Dr. Hobart Beale at Martin, Tennessee, once commented to me that one of the worst fears any person can have is that of “dying alone.” That is why one of the most loving acts any of us can perform is to be with our loved one while they are dying. It brings great and indescribable comfort to that person to know that they are not alone while they are dying.
3. Listen. Another loving and helpful thing we can do for a loved one who is dying is to listen. The person who is dying may feel a need to share certain things--secrets, confessions, frustrations, dreams, questions, instructions, regrets, aspirations, questions about the after-life, need for making reconciliation and amends, offering apologies, completing unfinished business, and many other things.One who is dying may be trying to put their life in order, and they are thinking about life in a way that is different than they have ever thought about it before. What they need is a friend who will listen creatively and empathetically, and permit them to say anything they need to say while they are still able to do so.