Grief the pain of mind produced by loss, misfortune, injury or evil of any kind has a common denominator that most of us can identify with. This experience often is the cause of feelings of anger, frustration, discontent, and regret that arise within us during our journey with grief. We should recognize frustration as a normal response to disappointment. The stronger the relationship to our loss the deeper the feelings of anger or frustration will develop.
The danger lies in feeding our anger or disappointment, because of our unfulfilled expectations. While expectations may be unrealistic, they may also remain unfulfilled. Our feelings of anger may indicate that we are unwilling to accept the change or difference in our lives directly related to our expectations. In turn, we feel a loss of control or not getting what we want or expect. When we are not willing or believe not able to let go of the expectation, our need for control, then our anger, frustration, or discontent will continue to grow. Regret feeds discontent which feeds frustration, which feeds anger. All of this hurts the mourning individual more than anyone else and may feed bitterness and revenge.
The first key to overcoming unfulfilled expectations is to accept the reality of our situation related to our expectations. The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr illustrates this need beautifully: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference…" We will continue next week as we further examine how to let go of unfulfilled expectations.
