The death of a parent creates changes
The manner in which a parent dies plays an important role in the surviving child’s grief. For example, if a parent dies suddenly and unexpectedly, it will create a different type of grief reaction for the child than if the parent dies after a prolonged terminal illness in which there was a great deal of suffering. The sudden death of a parent often creates anger as well as a feeling that there is a great deal of “unfinished business.” One may feel a great deal of resentment and anger because they never had the chance to say, “Goodbye.”If the child’s other parent is still alive, the child is faced with several important questions: How much attention, assistance, and personal care will be required for the surviving parent? Will they be able to continue to live in their present home or will they need to move to an assisted-living facility or nursing home? The time may come for the surviving child when they have to consider moving the aged surviving parent into a nursing home or an assisted living facility. Agencies within the community can refer you to counselors and professionals who will assist you in this decision and the transitional problems this creates for the surviving parent.

Role-reversal and important decisions
If the surviving parent is elderly, it may mean that there is a role-reversal in which the child becomes the parent to the elderly surviving parent. In reality, as life moves on, the child becomes the parent and the elderly parent becomes the dependent child. Once the parent was the parent and the child was the child; however, following the death of one parent, the surviving child finds himself/herself in the position of becoming the parent to the elderly surviving parent. This means taking on new responsibilities for the surviving parent. This new role-reversal may be very unsettling and confusing for both the child and parent, and may make both of them feel uncomfortable. In time, the surviving child will realize that he/she has moved into a new role in which they gradually feel stronger, more comfortable, and confidant. Since money is an important fact of life, in the case of taking care of a surviving elderly parent, it will be important for the child to help the surviving parent look carefully at their financial picture and plan a budget. This will involve keeping careful records (or helping one’s parent to keep them). It is important to make a record of money that comes in and goes out each month. It is also important for the child to help the surviving parent to focus on their new life as a single person.Once short-term goals are set, the child can help the surviving parent make other important decisions such as whether or not to sell the house and invest money. The child should sit down with the surviving parent and make a list of all important papers and documents such as life and health insurance papers, tax records, their last will and testament, account numbers, and the telephone numbers of their attorney, accountant, and insurance agent. Copies of important papers, records, and vital information should be kept in a safe deposit box in the bank. This will especially include documents that the surviving spouse and children need in order to collect death benefits. These documents include such things as: birth and marriage certificates, and records of one’s assets, such as bank and brokerage accounts and employee benefits records. (Our SUNRISE document entitled “Records to Keep” provides information about records that may be kept at home and those which need to be stored in a safe deposit box.) It is also important for those who have access to the safe deposit box to know where the keys are kept. Having one’s financial affairs in good order is one of the most responsible and loving things a person can do for his/her family. The adult child who has responsibility for making arrangements for the funeral and burial of one parent while making decisions regarding the well-being and welfare of the other parent is under a great deal of stress. The bereaved child experiences grief due to several factors: the death of a parent, the loss of the family continuity and the family circle, the “empty chair” at holiday meals, and the loss of a person who has played a critical role in one’s life from birth. The child also grieves because of the grief the surviving parent experiences. The surviving parent’s grief is contagious. Since the loss of a parent is such an overwhelming experience, the child is wise to enlist the help of siblings, spouse, relatives, friends, and clergy person.If the child is an only child or the only surviving sibling, and if both parents are dead, the surviving child may feel alone and sad. If other siblings are still alive, there may be conflicts within this circle. Everyone experiences and processes grief in a personal and unique way. However, in spite of their differences, this is an opportunity for surviving siblings to cooperate in sharing responsibilities, affirming each other, and supporting each other in this grief which impacts the entire family circle. This can become a time in which each member of the family comes to a new appreciation of their parents for bringing them into the world and the special gifts these parents gave their children. The death of a parent presents the surviving children with an opportunity to begin a new chapter in their lives.Bereaved children have discovered the wisdom in not disposing of a parent’s personal belongings too quickly.

Suggestions for coping with the death of a parent
What can we do when our parent has died? First, face the reality of our parent’s death. Realize that our parent is really dead. When we lose a parent we experience grief as a natural human reaction to the loss of a loved one. Grief is a process that enables us to say goodbye to our deceased parent and work through the maze of reactions we have when their death occurs. Remember, grief is a fact of life. Grief cannot be avoided, and there are no shortcuts through grief. Trying to do an “end-run” around grief can create other problems, the consequences of which can possibly be devastating. Ventilate and verbalize your genuine feelings to a person(s) whom you can trust. Do not be ashamed to cry. Crying plays a therapeutic role in our recovery. Share your thoughts and feelings with other family members and friends. Talk openly with trusted friends about your loss, how you feel, and how this loss is affecting your life. Lean on friends for help and emotional support during this time. Lighten your schedule. Take time for yourself, and give yourself a chance to “breathe.” This allows us to move toward the acceptance of our parent’s death and put this most difficult situation in the perspective of reality. If you feel that you need help in coping with your parent’s death, seek the help of a grief counselor. Your funeral director, clergyperson, doctor or local mental health office can suggest names of counselors to you. Many persons find that writing a letter to their deceased parent is helpful. This letter provides us with an opportunity to express ourselves fully, completely, and unreservedly. In this letter we can say all of those things we were unable to say before they died. This is especially helpful if we need to express anger, guilt, and unresolved feelings.In addition to writing a letter to our deceased parent, many bereaved persons find it helpful to talk with their deceased parent. Pull up a chair and imagine that your deceased parent is sitting next to you. Take your time and say all the things you need to say. Express yourself completely.Attend a grief support group. Here you will be surrounded by an atmosphere of love, support, understanding, and nurture. You will be with persons who understand the pain of loss and who will grant you permission and freedom to express how you really feel. This will aid in your healing and recovery.Give yourself permission to genuinely grieve. Because each of us has traveled a different road, no two persons will grieve in the same way. Each person is a unique individual and needs to grieve in his/her own particular way. It is OK for you to have your own particular feelings. You do not have to apologize or offer an explanation for your feelings. They are your feelings.Love and nurture yourself. Take care of yourself. Eat and drink the right kinds of foods and liquids. Get proper exercise and rest. Exercise reduces the stress that builds up within us due to the shock of losing a loved one. Stay in touch with your physician during your time of crisis. Stress that is created by grief may aggravate pre-existing physical problems. Be alert to medical problems that might be precipitated by your grief and share this with your physician.When a parent dies, it is not only important for us to take care of ourself, but it is also important for us to take time for our spouse and children. Our involvement in grief can be so intense that we neglect our loved ones and become insensitive to their needs.Since the loss of a parent is so traumatic and exhausting, and the responsibilities which are thrust upon the surviving child are so great, it is important for us to take the necessary time for ourself—time for renewal, relaxation, acceptance, adjustment, focusing on the future, and rebuilding life. Thus, we turn now to the importance of rebuilding our life following the death of our parent.