Suddenly single again
We now look more specifically at how the death of our spouse affects us. When we lose a spouse we experience many of the common grief reactions that are mentioned earlier in this article. Typical reactions to the death of a spouse include shock, numbness, disbelief, denial, confusion (inability to think clearly, remember, or plan), disorganization, and detachment (the feeling that we are observing all of this happening outside ourselves). Shock, numbness, and disbelief are especially prevalent when death is sudden and unexpected. At some point we may experience anger toward doctors, nurses, the minister, funeral director, God, and others. We may even be angry toward our spouse for dying. Another common reaction is guilt. We experience guilt for being angry toward God or our spouse, and we might blame ourselves for not being able to prevent their death (when, in reality, there was nothing anyone could have done to have prevented their death). We may also feel guilty as we remember disagreements we had with them or for not being present with them when they died. These strong emotional reactions can occur separately or simultaneously. We may experience sleeplessness during which our fears and worries are exaggerated. The distress may make it difficult for us to eat and digest our food. When you are overwhelmed with such reactions, keep in mind that this is a normal response to loss. These feelings and thoughts are quite normal for those who experience the loss of a spouse. It is also common for those who lose a spouse to be overly preoccupied with their deceased spouse—constantly thinking about them, the things they said and did, the places you went together, the things you shared together, and the unfulfilled dreams you shared. It is also not uncommon for surviving spouses to think that they either heard or saw their deceased spouse or to dream about them. At some point you may feel pain, loneliness, and depression that are precipitated by the loss of your spouse. You may also feel a sense of abandonment, isolation, and exaggerated fear (panic). You may feel so overwhelmed that, for a period of time, you are unable to make necessary decisions, handle everyday responsibilities or cope with the reality of what has happened. You may experience a loss of security and self-confidence in which you doubt your ability to move forward and build a new life for yourself.
Surviving spouses often voice concern over their sanity. They often wonder if--due to all the reactions to grief which are taking place within them--they are not losing their mind or “going crazy.” They need to be assured that they are not “going crazy.” They are, rather, experiencing grief reactions in response to their loss. Mental confusion is common with those who are going through grief.
We are filled with feelings, thoughts, and reactions we do not understand and have never before experienced. From the depths of our being we cry out and ask questions that seem to have no answers. It is like walking into a strange and unfamiliar room and the door suddenly slamming shut and locking behind us. When we lose our spouse we also discover that holidays and our wedding anniversary are difficult. Without warning, intense grief reactions may occur spontaneously at any time and place.Following the death of a spouse, the surviving spouse suddenly finds himself/herself as a single person in the real world. One who was recently widowed described herself to me as an “incomplete person.” Another widow described the death of her husband as “having half of myself ripped away.” In one of our support groups a widower said, “The world is set up for couples.” He went on to say that when a person loses a spouse, he/she is like a “third wheel that is held at arm’s length by married couples with whom we used to share a close relationship.”Being suddenly single again means having to deal with the everyday problems alone and being responsible for everything--car maintenance, housecleaning, repairs and upkeep on the home, cooking, carrying out the garbage, lawn care, paying the bills, changing light bulbs, taking care of pets, etc. The realization that one is now solely responsible for everything can be frightening and unsettling. Suddenly, you are facing great changes in your life that require you to adjust to the loss of your spouse, handle the problems, pressures, and demands of life, and live alone. This is one of the most stressful changes you will ever experience.

Issues and decisions
Adult children are often faced with the problem of helping their surviving parent make a decision as to whether they will continue to live in their present home or move to a new location (from a larger to a smaller home), and whether he/she will continue to live alone or move to a new residence where he/she will be with other persons. Regarding this and other related issues, children need to be sensitive to their surviving parent’s feelings and needs. Many surviving spouses regret that they uprooted themselves from their homes in haste following the death of their spouse. At the time they felt they just could not continue to live where they are surrounded by constant reminders of their deceased spouse. Wisdom dictates that surviving spouses take a “go slow” approach in making any such major decisions which should be postponed until he/she is able to make a decision they will not regret.Another issue that must be faced is the safety of the surviving spouse. For example, an elderly person who lives alone may develop anxiety or intense fear regarding their safety and well-being. This type of fear is rooted, in part, in the fear that commonly results due to the loss of a spouse. We ask, “What is going to happen to me now that I am alone? Am I going to be safe?” Grief disrupts the feelings of safety and security we normally have when we are with others. Many surviving spouses who live alone live in perpetual fear.Another important issue to be considered is financial resources. What will it cost to continue to maintain the present residence? What will it cost if one moves? What will be the cost of food, medicine, doctor’s visits, insurance, upkeep and repairs of the existing home? A whole range of financial concerns must be considered as one realistically shapes a plan and financial budget for his/her future. Copies of the death certificate of a spouse’s death (which are necessary for death benefits and Social security) are available through the county Health Department Office or the state. To begin the process of collecting death benefits, one can telephone the Social Security Office, the insurance agent, and the employee-benefits office where the deceased spouse worked. If surviving children have to make the decision to transfer their surviving parent to a nursing home or an assisted living facility, they need to investigate the types of coverage these institutions accept. For many widows, work is a necessity (either a full or part-time job). When it becomes necessary for one to seek employment, in most communities there are career counselors who will provide assistance in a job-search. Many widows enroll in vocational, commercial or college classes to receive training that prepares them to enter a particular field of work. Community colleges offer classes in the evening or on weekends. Universities offer a wide variety of courses on the Internet. Husbands and wives are wise to make a list of where they keep copies of health insurance policies, last will and testament, and tax records that may be readily accessible immediately following their death. This list should also include telephone numbers for insurance agents, attorneys, and accountants. Upon the death of a spouse, the surviving spouse should inquire about employee benefits for surviving spouses. Information regarding all documents related to death benefits should be stored in a safe place. These documents should include marriage and birth certificates, bank and brokerage accounts, and employee-benefits information. (See our Sunrise document “Records to Keep” for more helpful information on record keeping.) Surviving spouses (or their children) should keep a careful and detailed record of all income and expenses each month, especially during the first weeks and months following the death of a spouse. This type of record keeping will enable the surviving spouse to develop a realistic budget. As you begin the process of settling your estate after the death of your spouse, one of the first things you need to consider is retaining a reputable lawyer. This is necessary because, if your spouse left a will, it will need to be probated and declared valid in court. The role of a lawyer is also important because the filing of paper work and legal documents (such as Federal and estate-forms) can be complicated. Take the time to update your own will. If your spouse had a life insurance policy, you may contact the insurance agent who sold the policy. When you contact the agent you will need the policy number. They will send you a form to fill out and return along with a copy of your spouse’s death certificate. If you are unsure whether or not your spouse had a life insurance policy, you can contact American Council of Life Insurance, Missing Policy Service, P.O. Box 615, Riva, MD 21140-0615. They will send you a form to fill out, and when they have received this information from you, they will contact major insurance companies and enquire as to whether or not your spouse had a life insurance policy. You will also need to take a copy of your spouse’s death certificate, your birth certificate, marriage certificate, and your children’s birth certificates to the Social Security Office when you apply for death benefits. You also need to check and see if your spouse was covered with a life insurance policy through unions and professional organizations to which he/she belonged. If you need help in financial planning, the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants will provide a list of CPA’s in your geographic location (800-862-4272). AARP will provide information about widow’s programs in your area (202-434-2277).