The death of a parent creates grief and changes for surviving children
It is important for us to look at the impact the death of a spouse has on surviving children. Young children who lose a parent need love, support, and guidance as they begin to make the adjustment to their parent’s death. They need to be able to express their grief, especially their feelings and fears. They need to be assured that they were not responsible for their parent’s death. They need opportunities to ventilate their guilt, anger, and resentment. This will enable them to cope with and adjust to the changes that follow. They also need assurance regarding the future and the health of their surviving parent. Because it is very difficult for a single parent to raise children, the surviving parent and children need to consciously work together to strengthen their family bonds and express their love and support for each other.The manner in which a spouse dies plays an important role in the grief of surviving children. For example, if a spouse dies suddenly and unexpectedly, it will create a different type of grief reaction for the child than if the parent dies after a prolonged terminal illness in which there was a great deal of suffering. The sudden death of a parent often creates anger as well as a feeling that there is a great deal of “unfinished business.” The child may feel a great deal of resentment and anger because they never had the chance to say, “Goodbye.”If the adult child’s other parent is still alive, the child is faced with several important questions: How much attention, assistance, and personal care will be required for the surviving parent? Will they be able to continue to live in their present home or will they need to move to an assisted living facility or nursing home? The time may come when the surviving child has to consider moving the aged surviving parent into a nursing home or an assisted living facility. Agencies within the community can refer you to counselors and professionals who will assist you in this decision and the transitional problems this creates for the surviving parent and their adult children.

Role-reversal and important decisions
If the surviving parent is elderly, it may mean that there is a role-reversal in which the adult child becomes the parent to the elderly surviving parent. In reality, as life moves on, the adult child becomes the parent and the elderly parent becomes the dependent child. Once the parent was the parent and the child was the child; however, following the death of one parent, the surviving adult child finds himself/herself in the position of becoming the parent to the elderly surviving parent. This means taking on new responsibilities for the surviving parent. This new role-reversal may be very unsettling and confusing for both the adult child and parent and may make both of them feel uncomfortable. In time, the adult child will realize that he/she has moved into a new role in which he/she gradually feels stronger, more comfortable, and confidant. Since money is an important fact of life, in the case of taking care of a surviving elderly parent, it will be important for the adult child to help the surviving parent look carefully at their financial picture and plan a budget. This will involve keeping careful records (or helping one’s parent to keep them). It is important to make a record of money that comes in and goes out each month. It is also important for the adult child to help the surviving parent focus on their new life as a single person. Once short-term goals are set, the adult child can help the surviving parent make other important decisions such as whether or not to sell the house and invest money. The child should sit down with the surviving parent and make a list of all important papers and documents such as life and health insurance papers, tax records, their last will and testament, account numbers, and the telephone numbers of their attorney, accountant, and insurance agent. Copies of important papers, records, and vital information should be kept in a safe deposit box in the bank. This will especially include documents that the surviving spouse and children need in order to collect death benefits. These documents include birth and marriage certificates and records of one’s assets such as bank and brokerage accounts and employee benefits records. (As mentioned before in this article, our SUNRISE document entitled “Records to Keep” provides information about records that may be kept at home and those which need to be stored in a safe deposit box.) It is also important for those who have access to the safe deposit box to know where the keys are kept. Having one’s financial affairs in good order is one of the most responsible and loving things a person can do for his/her family. The adult child who has responsibility for making arrangements for the funeral and burial of one parent while making decisions regarding the well-being and welfare of the other parent is under a great deal of stress. The bereaved child experiences grief due to several factors: the death of a parent, the loss of the family continuity and the family circle, the “empty chair” at holiday meals, and the loss of a person who has played a critical role in their life from birth. The child also grieves because of the grief the surviving parent experiences. The surviving parent’s grief is contagious. Since the loss of a parent is such an overwhelming experience, the child is wise to enlist the help of siblings, spouse, relatives, friends, and a clergy person.If the adult child is an only child or the only surviving sibling, and if both parents are dead, the surviving child may feel alone and sad. If other siblings are still alive, there may be conflicts within this family circle. Everyone experiences and processes grief in a personal and unique way. However, in spite of their differences, this is an opportunity for surviving siblings to cooperate in sharing responsibilities, affirming each other, and supporting each other in this grief which impacts the entire family circle. This can become a time in which each member of the family comes to a new appreciation of their parents for bringing them into the world and the special gifts that these parents gave their children. The death of a parent presents surviving children with an opportunity to begin a new chapter in their lives.Surviving children have also discovered the wisdom in not disposing of a parent’s personal belongings too quickly.  

Suggestions for helping young children and adolescents deal with the death of a parent
In the case of a young child, when there is a death of a parent, the surviving parent should be honest with the young child about the death of the child’s mother or father. Parental dishonesty can create even more problems for the child who has lost a parent. Children are perceptive; they know when adults are being deceptive and sending mixed signals. When a child’s parent has died, it is important for the child’s surviving parent to be honest and tell them that their parent has “died.” Using terms other than “death” and “dying” can often be confusing for the young child. For example, when a young child is told that their parent is “sleeping,” the child may assume that, after so long, the deceased parent will wake up and return home, or, in some cases, the child is afraid to go to sleep because they associate “sleeping” with “dying.” Some children who were told that their deceased parent had “gone away” had an urge to look for them and try to find them, all the while longing for them to return from that mysterious place where they “went.” The child may feel that the parent has chosen to leave and not return. When a parent dies, the young child needs reassurance so that they can be confident that their fear of abandonment is unfounded. When the child receives reassurance, it creates a sense of security and helps determine how the child will process future losses. Since the death of a parent can create guilt and self-blame within young children and adolescents, it is important that they be given understandable information regarding heart attacks, cancer, accidents or whatever claimed the life of their parent. Unless children understand what claimed the life of their parent, they sometimes blame themselves for the death of their parent. This is rooted in guilt feelings which children experience in response to the death of their parent. For example, the child might recall angry feelings he/she had toward his/her dad, and, out of anger, the child’s momentary silent wish that his/her dad would “go away” suddenly became a reality. The child could end up feeling that the deceased parent decided to leave him/her because he/she was so bad. It is also important for a young child to have an ongoing sense of order, rhythm, and routine in his/her daily life. This greatly affects the child’s feeling of security and well-being and compensates for the insecurity the death of a parent creates within the child. When a parent dies, the child may feel that his/her survival is also threatened because it is tied to the parent’s survival and non-survival; therefore, it is important that the child feel that, in spite of his/her parent’s death, his/her survival is not threatened It is also important to help the young child rebuild his/her life. This enables the child to pick up the broken pieces, accept their loss, adjust to what has happened, and move on with their life.