“I just wanted to tell you you’re probably going to get a complaint on me.” So began my Monday morning, with a phone call from one of the secretaries, preparing to tattle on herself.  My initial thought was “Now what?” but I can’t be sure that actually came out of my mouth.

It seems someone had called asking about arrangements for an individual who had died. The secretary gave them the requested information, and then they asked, “How does she look?”

Really?

The secretary told them she didn’t know, and they followed with, “Well, how did she die?”

REALLY!?

Under other circumstances, there might have been a meager attempt to be polite or to simply say, “I don’t know” but it was becoming apparent that any response which did not provide the requested information would be met with yet another question . . . and it was Monday. So the secretary said, “I really don’t know, and if I did I couldn’t tell you.  We don’t release that kind of information.”

I’m not exactly certain as to the response of the caller, other than the call ended shortly thereafter, but I do know that wasn’t the end of the story. A friend of the caller—someone who was obviously in the room and heard one side of the conversation—immediately called, demanding to know what the secretary had said.  So she repeated her statement, to which the caller replied “Well, that was just ugly!  You’re just ugly!”

Let me get this straight. It’s all right for you to ask prying questions so you can satisfy your morbid curiosity and spread gossip all over town, lending credence to your statements by starting with, “Well, the funeral home told me . . .” but it’s not all right for the funeral home to call your hand on it?  You can try to convince me all day long that may not have been the motivation behind the call, but I’ve done this too long to believe anything else.  You don’t need to know how someone died or what they look like because of the manner in which they died.  If you plan on coming to the visitation or service, it should be to offer comfort and support to the family and to pay your last respects to the deceased, not to subversively examine their body to see if they really were shot seventeen times, then stabbed repeatedly before being bludgeoned and then set on fire.  And no, we haven’t had anyone that happened to.

Granted, there are those who are genuinely concerned and shocked when they hear of an unexpected death, but they generally know what questions are appropriate and which ones to avoid. And if they ever cross the line, they immediately step back over.  So here’s the scoop, people.  We. Are. Not. Going. To. Tell. You.  We aren’t going to tell you how they died.  We aren’t going to tell you the condition of their remains.  We aren’t going to fill you in on the family dynamics or whether they can afford the funeral or any other information above and beyond the day, time and place of the service and the cemetery if burial is the chosen means of disposition.  Oh, and we’ll probably tell you some of their relatives if you’re trying to decide whether they’re the person you think they are.  And you know why we won’t?  Two reasons:  1. It’s none of your business and 2. It’s none of your business.  You wouldn’t want the world asking those questions about your family member and you certainly wouldn’t want us answering them.  So please, don’t ask us at Wal-Mart, don’t ask us at church, don’t walk into the office and ask us “confidentially”.  Just do us all a favor and don’t ask, ‘cause if you don’t ask, we won’t have to politely remind you why you don’t need to know.

Thank you. And rant over.

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