Children are such amazing creatures. They see and hear and remember EVERYTHING . . . especially if we don’t want them to.  And every observation is generally met with the same frustrating, unanswerable question.  Why?  Why does it look like that?  Why did fill-in-the-blank do that?  Why can’t I do that, too?

Most of the time, we can wing it. We can create a plausible response that an innocent child will accept.  But when that “Why?” follows on the heels of tragedy, when it is generated by Death run rampant and there is no plausible response that will not destroy their innocence . . . what do you say?

Every answer is different. Every answer depends upon a host of circumstances.  How old is your child?  How much do they already know and how much will they understand?  But no matter the circumstances, there are some guidelines that should be followed in every instance.

When they ask you “Why ?”after tragedies such as the one in Orlando, they are asking so much more. That “Why?” includes “Will I be safe?”, “Can that happen to me?”, “What did those people do that made that person so angry?”  As adults we know the odds of safety are on our side and that no one did anything to incite the carnage.  But these are lessons our children must learn.  Without understanding the depth of the question, our answers can leave them empty and fearful.  So first and foremost, understand what they truly want to know; you can do that by actually listening more and speaking less.  Allow them to talk to you, then address the concerns they have expressed.

Children need to know that feeling scared or sad is all right. Unfortunately, it’s part of life and there are times, such as when Death takes someone we love, that feeling sad or even scared is not only understandable but normal.  And it’s all right to cry when those times come.  Trying to shelter our children from life so that fear and sadness are not in their vocabulary is a pleasant notion, but not very realistic.  And when we experience those emotions, trying to hide them from our children will be an effort in futility.  Not only do they see and hear and remember, they are extremely perceptive.  They know when things are not right and refusing to include them will only lead to greater distress on their part.

Above all, never, never lie to them in an effort to soften the truth. Even the smallest of lies will destroy not only their innocence but their trust in you.  And when they express concern over devastating events, do not brush them off or attempt to distract them from their questions.  If you do not answer them, someone else will.  It may be their friends, it may be other adults, it may be someone on the television or their own vivid imaginations, but you should always be their first resource when they are troubled.  If you fail them repeatedly because you do not or cannot confront their reality, they will learn to ask their questions elsewhere.

When catastrophic events occur in our world, our children need to be reassured, they need to feel safe again—and that’s when we take our cue from the words of Fred Rogers. “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” For every evil person in this world there are thousands of good ones, people who will do whatever they can to make this a better place than when they arrived. Your child needs to know this. They need to believe this. And they need to understand that the choices we make decide which person we will become. Even they can work to make our world a better place. Even they can make a difference. But when you tell them that, you better be prepared to lead by example.

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