“We have met the enemy and he is us.” So observed Walt Kelly’s character Pogo in the comic strip by the same name.  In that particular instance, the philosophical possum was referring to the accumulation of garbage that had overrun their swamp in a cartoon Kelly drew for Earth Day in 1971.  Oh, but how many other times those words can be applied . . .

Attempting to deal with Death and facing grief are certainly instances when we can easily become our own worst enemy. I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve seen someone obviously struggling with their loss but, when I’ve suggested our grief counselor, they assure me “they can handle it”.  Often families walk in thinking if they hurry up the process it won’t hurt as bad.  If they close the casket during the visitation it won’t be as painful.  Maybe they won’t even have a service or any type of memorial to acknowledge and celebrate this person’s life.  Then they don’t have to think and plan and prepare and be present. If they can just get the house cleaned out or the clothes given away or the personal items packed up and stored or disbursed . . .  If they can somehow manage to erase a person of great importance from their sight then perhaps they will not haunt their memories.

It would be nice if will power was the answer or speed or boxes carted off to Goodwill, but none of those reactions will lessen the pain of loss. Maybe initially.  Maybe temporarily.  But not forever.  Not when everyone goes away and the house is quiet and you have nothing left but your thoughts.

Grief does not ask for your time or attention or respect. It demands it.  It forcibly takes it without your permission or consent, entrenching itself in your life.  And the more you try to ignore it, the more it screams for your attention.  It actually reminds me of the chorus to the children’s song “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt”.  In the song the hunter encounters all kinds of obstacles—long, wavy grass . . . a deep, cold river . . . thick, oozy mud . . . a deep, dark forest . . . a swirling, whirling snowstorm . . . and finally a narrow, gloomy cave.  And the response is the same to every obstacle:

“We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it.  We’ve got to go through it.”

The same can be said for grief. You can’t avoid it no matter how much will power or speed you employ.  You can’t go over it, or under it, or around it.  You have to go through it.  Only then can you eventually overcome the anger and pain of loss.  Only then can you move toward acceptance and healing.

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