Whenever there is a special day coming up at Memory Gardens, I try to find time to walk the cemetery, just to satisfy myself that everything is as it should be. If it’s Memorial Day or Veterans’ Day, I want to be certain we haven’t missed putting a flag on someone’s grave, and since we don’t have a definitive list, sometimes that’s a challenge.  If it’s a family oriented holiday or our unofficial Decoration Day, I’m looking for graves that may need a little attention.

I’m rarely ever there alone; it seems someone is always coming to visit or tend to the grave of someone they’ve lost, especially at Decoration. And, since I’m an observer of people, I generally do just that.

Over the years I’ve noticed one couple in particular. They always come together, caring for two graves that are side by side.  One is the grave of his daughter, the other of his first wife.  When I saw them and realized why they had come, I thought to myself, “This is a wise woman indeed.  She knows you can’t do battle with a ghost.”

Too often marriages that occur after the death of a spouse turn into a war zone. The new husband or wife feels threatened by a memory and the widow or widower may not help matters any by always referring to their deceased spouse and comparing one to the other.  Often the new spouse is moving into a home built around another life with tangible reminders of that life scattered everywhere.  Step-children must be acknowledged and sometimes even raised which can become yet another challenge if the parent and step-parent are not united in their approach.

But in this instance, she understood. This was someone who played an extremely important role in her husband’s life—the woman he had loved so deeply that he chose her above all others—the mother of his children and someone with whom he wanted to build a future.  Unfortunately, Life does not always cooperate with our plans and his had been drastically altered.  She understood that by acknowledging the importance of her predecessor she could build a new life with her new husband.  She wasn’t taking someone’s place; she was creating her own.

Both parties must be committed to overcoming the challenges for second marriages to work, especially when Death is the instigator. Instead of two becoming one you may be actually blending three or four lives, depending upon the history and previous relationships.  The Ghost of Marriages Past can either insure success or bring about absolute failure—and the outcome depends on how each party treats the ghost.

The post You Can’t Do Battle With a Ghost appeared first on Shackelford Funeral Directors | Blog.