He was tired of being confined . . . cooped up in a house with only one other person . . . nowhere they could go . . . nothing they could do.  So he thought he’d host a small dinner party.  Things seemed to be getting better.  Stores were reopening.  No one he knew had been sick and they were all feeling fine.  And so he did.  It was just his parents and the parents of his significant other.  They ate together and visited.  No one wore a mask.  No one practiced social distancing—and the next morning he woke up feeling sick. Before it was all over, 14 members of their families had tested positive, including the parents of a newborn, several had to be hospitalized for treatment due to the severity of their illness, and two died.

This post isn’t about COVID-19 or wearing a mask or practicing social distancing.  It’s about what this man said when he realized the consequences of his actions.  After almost dying himself, and still having family members who may not survive, he said, “The grief comes and goes, but that guilt just sits.”

That guilt just sits. It is his companion as he goes about his day.  It lies with him at night.  It has become a part of every aspect of his life.  Granted, no one who was invited had to come.  They all made the choice to attend and how to behave while they were there.  But if he just hadn’t issued the invitations . . .

Would they have managed to escape unscathed?  If he had encouraged caution and taken the virus seriously, would they have followed his example?  The sad truth is he will never have the answers to those questions—or all the others that keep him awake at night.

There are so many people in this world who find themselves in the same situation.  Some choice they’ve made or some action they’ve taken has resulted in pain and suffering for someone else.  That’s hard to watch and impossible to accept, especially when Death is the final consequence.  And it doesn’t have to be compliments of a pandemic.  Did you expose your family to second-hand smoke, even after you realized how dangerous it could be?  Were you driving while intoxicated and someone else paid the price?  Were you speeding around a curve in the middle of the road when you met another car?  Did you take your eyes off of your child for just a moment . . . only a moment . . . when a moment was all it took?

Those examples are extreme to say the least, and not nearly as innocent as a casual dinner with family.  But those situations, along with so many others, have proven deadly time and again . . . and have brought in their wake unending grief and all-consuming guilt for the person directly responsible.

So how do you deal with such devastating circumstances?  How do you work through the grief and banish the guilt?  The answer is you can’t.  Not until you find a way to forgive yourself.  And that, my friends, is harder than watching the consequences of your actions as they unfold or accepting that you are responsible for someone else’s loss.  It’s why we should always consider how our choices . . . our actions . . . will affect those around us, whether they are family or friends or random strangers.  Because, as this one tormented soul so clearly stated, the grief comes and goes, but that guilt just sits.

About the author:  Lisa Shackelford Thomas is a fourth generation member of a family that’s been in funeral service since 1926.  She has been employed at Shackelford Funeral Directors in Savannah, Tennessee for over 40 years and currently serves as the manager there.  Any opinions expressed here are hers and hers alone, and may or may not reflect the opinions of other Shackelford family members or staff.

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