“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
How many of us have heard that old saying? Maybe our parents repeated it when one of our family members (usually a sibling) or friends insisted upon taunting us, calling us names or making fun of something we had said or done. Maybe we said it to our own children while trying to teach them that other people can be unkind and 1) we don’t want to be that way, and 2) they’re only words . . .
But are they really? Are we supposed to be invincible when people decide to hurl insults and condemnations at us? I’m pretty sure that’s like expecting Superman to stand in a room full of kryptonite and be okay. Those words that “will never hurt me” can leave you feeling weak and defeated, tired of trying, and emotionally spent from the effort—and questioning everything you have done.
Some of the worst examples of such bad behavior come via the internet and social media, particularly when a death occurs. It may be one that is initially unexplained so what do a few “well meaning” individuals do? Start speculating. Start gossiping. Start spreading rumors they can never reclaim. Not that they’d want to. And they usually start by saying, “I don’t know if this is true . . .” or “I’m sure this didn’t happen, but . . .” as though that excuses their potential lies. I have what I feel is an appropriate response to those people, but I can’t print it here. Or much of anywhere else, for that matter.
Perhaps those sticks and stones come when there’s an accident. Whether or not it leads to injury or death is beside the point, although either of those options seems to make people believe they have an even greater responsibility to share their unconsidered opinions regarding the matter. Those opinions generally seek to place blame and then severely chastise the chosen target.
Without thinking for any great length of time, I can list a hundred examples of moments when the public’s need to negatively comment quickly outweighed any comfort or compassion that others might have expressed. Hurtful words burn deeply; they can sear themselves into the recipient’s soul and then dwell there forever. And although many of my examples could be drawn from families I have assisted over the years, I’m going to share one that is very public in nature—that of Kallie Wright, wife of rodeo star Spencer Wright and mother of three year old Levi Wright who drowned in the creek that crossed their family farm, doing something they had all safely done numerous times before. Of course, his death made the national news, exposing what should have been his parents’ very private grief to the world. And that opened the door to everyone who felt it was their responsibility to condemn Kallie in the strongest possible terms for her “failure” as a parent. As though she wasn’t already condemning herself enough. The hurtful comments finally led her to address those words and the faceless people who felt free enough to post them online.
“I know 3 things to be true. 1. I am not a perfect mom but I am a good mom. 2. My little boy loved me with all he had. 3. Never say never because it only takes seconds and it can happen to you too. I pray anyone who judges me or has hurtful words to say never finds themself on the receiving end of a nightmare like this.”
She wrote that at 3:00 one morning because she couldn’t sleep, the events that had changed her life forever screaming at her in the darkness while the angry words of people who did not know her or the facts of the situation echoed in her head. When I read that last line, I was reminded of another old saying. One we would all do well to remember before we ever choose to spread rumors or gossip disguised as truth or publicly condemn someone who is already struggling under the weight of guilt and grief.
There, but for the grace of God, go I.
About the author: Lisa Shackelford Thomas is a fourth-generation member of a family that’s been in funeral service since 1926 and has worked with Shackelford Funeral Directors in Savannah, Tennessee for over 45 years. Any opinions expressed here are hers and hers alone and may or may not reflect the opinions of other Shackelford family members or staff.
