“Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat.
“Please to put a penny in an old man’s hat . . .”
Whenever I hear those words, it’s in the voice of “Miss” Piggy from the Muppets—‘cause she and her cohorts decided to include that traditional little tune in their ever popular compilation “John Denver and The Muppets”. If you’ve never heard any of the songs they recorded together, I highly recommend their rendition of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” although on occasion our four-year-old grandson Malcolm prefers Bing Crosby’s version and will actually ask Alexa to play it for him. I suppose if you aren’t going to listen to the Muppets, Bing is the next best option. But I digress, as I so often do.
The joyous chaos of the holidays is rapidly descending upon us. As in Thanksgiving is next week and then Christmas is like the day after that. And although the majority of us may look forward to both there are some for whom the holidays will be a struggle, if not an actual curse—because someone special will be missing. It may be a mother or father, a sibling, spouse, child, or friend, but whoever it is, their absence can banish the joy from the season and instead fill it with dread and depression and maybe even fear, especially if their departure was a recent one.
There are ways for those who are struggling to survive the coming days, many of which involve taking care of themselves instead of everyone else. But that’s often hard to do. It’s hard to say no to something when you’ve always said yes . . . because you think everyone expects you to say yes. It’s hard to let go of the traditions when they are too painful to continue . . . because you think everyone expects you to continue. It’s hard to be happy and merry when your heart is broken.
That’s where those of us who aren’t suffering from recent loss come in. I say it every year, but it bears repeating—so I will. Always extend the invitation but with the understanding—and acknowledgement—that they’re allowed to say no. Not including someone who is grieving can actually increase their feelings of isolation, but when they know you’re thinking of them, it can help ease the pain of the season, even if they choose not to be an active participant in the merriment.
Which brings me to one other point I’d like to make. At this time of year, the words Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays can roll off our tongues every time we greet someone or bid them farewell. It’s like we go on autopilot and those words become the official phrase of the season. But when you greet someone you know is struggling . . . when you find yourself face to face with their grief . . . instead of absent-mindedly voicing your preferred salutation of the holidays, maybe you could ask them how they’re doing. Are they all right? Tell them you know they’re missing that special person and it has to be hard. Say the name of the one they’ve lost and offer them the chance to share their struggle with you—I promise, you won’t be dredging up memories they’d just as soon forget. You’ll be honoring their grief and acknowledging their loss. And that will mean more to them than you can possibly imagine. It will mean even more if you really take the time and listen when they respond. After all, our time is the greatest gift we can give, no matter the season.
About the author: Lisa Shackelford Thomas is a fourth-generation member of a family that’s been in funeral service since 1926. She has been employed at Shackelford Funeral Directors in Savannah, Tennessee for over 40 years and currently serves as the manager there. Any opinions expressed here are hers and hers alone and may or may not reflect the opinions of other Shackelford family members or staff.
