‘Tis the season to be jolly . . . unless it isn’t. Unless it isn’t because Grief has recently come to call and seems quite content to stay, at least for the foreseeable future. When loss and the holidays collide, the expectations others may have of us—and that we may have of ourselves—can make an already difficult time of year almost unbearable.
So how do you survive? How do you make the world go away and leave you alone, or cope with it if isolation isn’t an option? And let’s face it, although hermithood might be your preferred status, it is rarely ever attainable.
How ‘bout you remember that you have the right to say no? If you don’t feel like going, you don’t have to. If an invitation produces anxiety instead of anticipation, that’s a good clue that maybe you’re just not ready yet. You don’t have to offer some long, drawn-out explanation about why you aren’t. Simply repeat after me, “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to make it this year.” Then stop talking. They can’t argue with your reason not to attend when you didn’t give them one.
As best you can, try to take one day at a time. Just make it through one day before worrying about the next and what it may hold. What is it they say about borrowing trouble from tomorrow when today has enough of its own? The same philosophy works when you’re grieving.
Grief’s most isolating characteristic is its ability to turn our thoughts and feelings inward. Often those who are grieving will shut down in an effort to shut out the world and hopefully, the pain. Unfortunately, the more isolated we become, the more painful the loss. That’s why I’m going to recommend, if at all possible, opening your heart to others who are hurting. It has been said that grief shared is grief divided, and when you can reach out to others and share their pain, you will find it diminishes your own, even if just for a moment. Doing something for someone else, whether it’s delivering a plate of cookies or sending a handwritten note or just a simple text message that says I’m thinking of you today and hope you’re all right, will offer more comfort than you can possibly imagine . . . to both the receiver and the giver.
This season is one filled with traditions and often those traditions become painful reminders of happier times. If you still want to celebrate but those reminders feel overwhelming, then you always have the right to set those traditions aside in favor of new ones. Hang the Christmas tree from the ceiling (yes, it can be done . . . if you’re careful . . . and have lots of help . . .) Trade in the turkey and dressing for soup and cornbread—better yet, make it potluck so you aren’t slaving in the kitchen for days. Instead of spending money on gifts, take a short family trip. Added bonuses: no shopping stress and you’re making memories instead of room in the closet for more stuff.
However you choose to celebrate the season, remember to include those who are no longer with you, especially if their departure has been recent. You will never be able to successfully banish them from the party, so you might as well invite them in, because pretending nothing is wrong is never right. It only delays the inevitable. Acknowledge those who are missing . . . say their names . . . share the stories and the memories. Give yourself permission to laugh when you can—and to cry when you need to.
About the author: Lisa Shackelford Thomas is a fourth-generation member of a family that’s been in funeral service since 1926 and has worked with Shackelford Funeral Directors in Savannah, Tennessee for over 45 years. Any opinions expressed here are hers and hers alone and may or may not reflect the opinions of other Shackelford family members or staff.
